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The Nine-Year Change (And Watching My Twins Step Into It Together)
There’s a phrase I recently came across that stopped me in my tracks:
“Be a beacon of light that they can always see, while letting them experience the discomfort of this change for themselves.”
That line perfectly captures what many Waldorf educators call the nine-year change — a developmental window that often shows up between about 8½ and 9½ years old. And this year, it’s deeply personal.
My twins, Cali and Gianna, turn nine on Valentine’s Day, and I can feel the shift happening in real time.
What the Nine-Year Change Really Means
The nine-year change marks a subtle but powerful transition. Children begin moving away from the imaginative, all-encompassing magic of early childhood and into a more inquisitive, self-aware phase. They start to realize they are separate beings from their parents — and that the adults around them are not all-knowing.
What once felt effortless and full of wonder begins to change. Imaginative play softens. Curiosity deepens. Questions emerge — not just about the world, but about rules, authority, and right versus wrong.
Children may begin to test boundaries, question decisions, or push back in ways that feel unfamiliar. This often shows up as defiance, sarcasm, or opposition — not because something is “wrong,” but because they are learning to think independently and make sense of their inner world.
Underneath it all lives a quiet, tender question:
“Am I still loved, even if I’m separate?”
Embarrassment, Sensitivity, and Self-Awareness
Around this age, children often experience embarrassment for the first time. A child who once sang freely may suddenly become shy. Public affection can feel mortifying. Being noticed — once exciting — can feel uncomfortable.
This self-consciousness isn’t something to fix. It’s a sign of self-awareness emerging.
When this shows up, gentle acknowledgment can be grounding:
“It feels strange when people notice you, doesn’t it? You’re starting to see yourself in a new way.”
or
“It’s okay to feel uncomfortable. Everyone feels this way while learning who they are.”
These small moments of validation help children feel safe as they navigate this new internal landscape.
Watching Two Children Cross the Bridge at Once
As a parent, this stage can feel emotional. As a twin parent, it feels amplified.
Twin parenting has never felt harder to me — but it has always felt double. Double intensity, double closeness, double joy, double challenge. And now, it feels like I’m watching two children begin to step away from me at the same time.
That part is hard to name out loud.
I’ve been incredibly fortunate. I stayed home with Cali and Gianna for their first four years, and I’ve built a life and career that allows me to be present — at school, at activities, in the everyday moments. I’ve cherished this season deeply (even if not perfectly every single day).
So yes, time flies.
But more than that, I feel the change coming — and I don’t want to miss it.
Holding the Space Instead of Fixing
One of the most important lessons of the nine-year change is learning to hold space rather than rush in.
Children at this stage don’t need everything solved for them. They need steady presence. They need to know that big emotions aren’t dangerous — and that love doesn’t disappear when things get messy.
Sometimes the most supportive response sounds like:
“I hear that you’re upset. I’m here when you’re ready.”
or
“Big changes are happening inside you. That can feel confusing.”
What we model — patience, calm, humility — matters more than any lecture.
When Authority Feels Heavy
This season has shown up differently for each of my girls.
One of them, in particular, feels things deeply. When a coach, teacher, or another adult figure is upset or disappointed, she carries it. She internalizes it. It can shake her confidence in a way that feels heavier than the moment itself.
So we talk often about kindness — leading with it, always — but we also talk about something just as important: adults are human.
Teachers, coaches, parents — even the most respected, accomplished, and well-intentioned adults make mistakes. What someone says or does in a moment of frustration is not the final word on who you are.
We remind Cali and Gianna of this regularly — including when it comes to us. Chad and I make mistakes too. We get it wrong sometimes. That doesn’t mean love disappears or confidence should crumble. It means there is room for grace, reflection, and learning how to do better next time.
I often tell them the only perfect human is Jesus — and since none of us are Him, we all live in a space where growth matters more than perfection.
This feels especially important during the nine-year change, when children begin to see authority more clearly and sometimes feel unsettled when it falls short. My hope is that they learn to respect others without shrinking themselves — to stay kind without losing confidence, and to trust their inner voice as it grows stronger.
Rhythm, Responsibility, and Real Life
With increased self-awareness comes a desire for meaningful responsibility. Many educators recommend grounding children during this phase with real, tangible tasks — cooking, folding laundry, setting the table, caring for pets, helping with siblings.
These responsibilities help children feel capable and connected to the world while their inner world is shifting. Frustration is part of the process — and not something to rescue them from too quickly.
There’s a balance between nurturing and letting go. Between structure and freedom. This stage asks us to guide without rushing them into adulthood — to preserve play and wonder while honoring their growing independence.
Slowing Down on Purpose
My intention this year is simple, but not easy: slow down and be present.
More listening.
More car-ride conversations.
More space for questions, emotions, and mistakes — mine included.
They are bright, thoughtful, and growing into themselves. As girls, my hope is to support that growth without rushing it — honoring their independence while staying close enough to remain their lighthouse.
The Gift of This Threshold
The nine-year change can feel like a storm — but it is also a gift. It marks the moment when a child begins to carry their own inner light. The veil of early childhood lifts, and the world comes into clearer focus.
Childhood wonder doesn’t disappear — it evolves.
As Cali and Gianna step into this new season, I’m learning to loosen my grip while deepening my trust. Connection doesn’t end here — it simply changes form.
And as they grow, I’m reminding myself to extend the same patience and compassion inward. Parenting through transitions takes a village — and sometimes, a deep breath.
Here’s to slowing down.
Here’s to staying present.
And here’s to loving our children — not just as they were, but as they’re becoming. 💗
Reference & Inspiration
This reflection was inspired by the work and writing of Dr. Organic Mommy:
https://www.drorganicmommy.com/blog/9-year-old-child-development-milestones-natasha-beck
